wants to be old...????

"Wants to be old... is that weird??... I think there's a blog in that thought..." was that random thought I just had and decided to put it as my facebook status. This thought is one of those strange things that pop into our heads at random times, yet have so much value, and meaning in our lives.

So often I feel like a 50 year old in a 24 year old body... and I hate when people don't understand you, or don't take you seriously, or label you because of your age... I don't think like most 30 year olds nevermind a 24 year old... I find there are so many people around me that just baffle my mind as to how little they actually understand about the world we live in. Maybe I don't understand as much as I think I do. But I think I understand "some" of the most important things in life.

I've never wanted to be a young person, I don't like the party scene, I think it's silly when people try drugs, I think being drunk every weekend is a waste of time and money, I think random sex is foolish, I think it's the little things in life that make it grand, I think money should be spent on the things you love, not the things that consume you, nor the things that take over your life, money should be spent on eachother...

I think we always want more. We always think that the best part of life is just around the corner. Life will be so much better when: I have a husband, I have children, I have steady friends that aren't forever changing, when I have a house of my own... these are among the many many thoughts that randomly challenge my young mind... This is the part of me that is still young, however the old lady in me realizes that these thoughts are silly. A waste, that stops dreams and passions in their tracks. A waste that ruins relationships, causes heartache, and never appreciates the God given gifts in our lives.

I think the most important things in life come from the relationships we pursue. Be it relationships with people, objects, money, work, animals etc... We are what we have a relationship with. The greatest mothers on this earth, quite often are the ones that don't know anything else. The greatest workers on this earth, are the ones who can't think of life without work. The greatest teachers on this earth, are the ones who know that every move they make will influence the next generation. I strive to be a great friend. Why? Because my friends, who may also be my family, are the reason I get up each morning. When I hurt one of them, my heart breaks in pieces. When I see one of them slowly drifting away, I try so hard to bring them back, sometimes pushing them farther.

I can do casual friendship easy, being friendly, loving, caring, sharing etc.. that's my forte, but I hope one day to be able to say at the end of my life, I have had at least one great friend. I have touched at least one life in a way that they will never be the same without me. One friend who gets me, who maybe doesn't like every part of me, who maybe I fight with occasionally, but who understands me, and accepts me for who I am, not wanting me to be anything more or anything less. I want to know that there will be one person who misses me every moment that we are not together. This doesn't need to be a spouse, however, for some people it is. I'm not saying that I want someone to spend every moment with, this would be exhausting, tiring, overwhelming, and incredulous. However, I want someone who I know I'm on their mind as much as they are on mine. This relationship that I desire is so hard to put into words, and I know you're thinking: What does this have to do with being old?

Well, maybe in my mind, I think being old will mean that I somehow have this, be it a husband, a best friend who has known me long enough that we could be on opposite ends of the world and still have to check in several times a week. Someone who if we knew we wouldn't be able to speak for a month that it would kill us both because we need eachother.

However, if I spend my life hoping for this person, trying to make every new friend I have, this person, I will end up alone. Empty, without any fulfillment, because fulfillment comes from being happy with what you have. Enjoying the little things about people.

This is the old lady in me. The person who knows that in the end, it is that if you faced life always looking at the most terrible things in people as beautiful. That you took that shitty job and turned it into your passion. That you loved without restriction, never wanting to change people, never wanting to make them who you want them to be, but for loving them for who they are, not what they can give you, not what you get from them. When you focus on what you get out of a relationship, you put expectations on people, that sometimes they can't meet. And sometimes that expectation is SO overwhelming that they run away. People don't like to be smothered, people don't like to be changed. Doesn't every single one of us just want to be accepted. Or maybe that's just me, but I try to give my friends the benefit of the doubt, I try not to put expectations on them, and I hope they never think I have expectations of them.

If I talk to you everyday, it's probably because I genuinely like you. I have many people in my life that I cannot imagine my life without. I need them, yeah some of them maybe I only need them once a month, once a year, once a week, some friends are once a lifetime kind of friends, I think defining those friendships is the most important part. This is where expectations come in and mess everything up. We might feel like we cannot go a day without talking to a certain individual and therefore we make the effort to chat with them on a regular basis but what do you do when it's not reciprocated? This is when you gotta take the hint and move on, don't smother them, don't cling, don't be that person that when your number shows up on their phone they say not again. Friendship is a tough line, deciding who is that kind of friend and who is the kind that every time your number comes on their phone they smile, because they know that it's gonna be something funny, something important, something mundane, but overall it's gonna be something they care about. Because they care about you as much as you care about them.

I've realized that true friendships are worth fighting for, and some friendships are worth giving up, others are simply worth appreciating no matter how much time you spend together. I talk alot, and I am quite open and honest with a lot of people, probably more than I actually think I am. But there is nothing more rewarding than when someone decides to share with you. When you ask someone how their day was and their response is more than just 'good'.

That's the important things in life. It's the shared moments between the people we love and care about most in our lives.