Nostalgia

Life is ever changing, and sometimes, just when you think your life will never be the same, it makes a full circle and things turn out somehow back to the way they used to be.

I remember years ago always wanting to be a "farm girl" I loved being on horseback, trekking through the bushes, yellin' "come boss" to all the cows as you try and lure them into the corral. For some reason, I left that life behind and became very focussed on my career, my future, and other things, like how I looked, what name brand of clothes I wear, and how much money I would make in the future. But today, (well, it's been a few days) I realized how selfish, how bitter, and sad, I had become. It's been a really transforming couple weeks for me. Coming to an understanding of myself and my true desires and how much I had done to please everyone else, to become who they all wanted me to be, when really, the person that makes them the happiest is the person that I truly am. Not sure if this is making any sense.

I guess what I mean is, when you spend your life always trying to please everyone else, you end up pulling yourself in so many different directions that you lose yourself, yet deep down, all you want to do is find yourself, and in that journey to finding yourself without the interference of others, you end up hurting some of the people who are closest to you. For me, I shut them out. Because they interfered in my process of who I wanted to become, or perhaps, I allowed them to interfere in my life, because it is easier to live by everyone else's rules than to make your own.

I've realized that it doesn't matter to me whether or not a have a university degree, it doesn't matter to me if I make a million or make a dollar. That's not what matters in life. What matters is where your heart is. Are you doing what you were made to do? Are you spending your life doing things you love? Spending time with people you love? Or are you trying to beat the Jones'?

Going back to today, In my heart, I knew I wanted to be a "farm girl" mostly because I loved horses, I loved working hard, and I loved being outside. But I've realized it's much more than that, that makes me a "farm girl" at heart. It's the welcoming sense of peace you have when you sit with those who genuinely care about you, It's the joy you share in the midst of despair, it's the helping hand that will drop everything just to help you find your lost dog, it's the people who you know when something bad happens, they're gonna be there, it's the quiet walk on a fall afternoon and the only noise around is the rustle of leaves, or the dog walking ahead of you, or the nearby tractor combining his field, it's the love you feel when someone comes into your room in the middle of the night with a bottle of cough syrup in one hand and a glass of water in the other, just because they love you, it's the accomplished joy you feel after you've got them cattle into the corral and off to the auction mart, it's the quiet peacefulness you share when you are together.

We live in a world, where most of us think only of ourselves, how we will better our lives, how we will feel fulfillment, but that's not what life is about. Jesus tells us his greatest commandment and that is to "love one another as yourself, and love the lord your God with all your heart, mind, and body." How can you not feel fulfilled, if you put others ahead of yourself?

It's been the worst, yet the best 2 weeks of my life. I've learned that things mean nothing, and people mean everything. God does not desire for us to fish for things, he desires for us to be fishers of men, and how can we be fishers of men unless we genuinely care about people, no matter what. It's easy to love someone who is clean, friendly, fashionable, kind and overall a pretty likeable person, but it's harder to like someone who is mean, hurtful, dirty, unfashionable or any of the other things that so often make us say to one another, "they aren't worth my time" or "I'm not wasting my breath talking to that person." All are equal in the sight of God whether you own a BMW or just a 1978 ford escort. God calls us to love the unloveable, feed the hungry, give money to the poor, care for the homeless, and so on...

I was always scared that I would be intruding if i were to just show up at someone's place unannounced, or maybe it was more the fear of rejection, but I've realized, that just because someone says, "It's not a good time" doesn't mean it's not ever gonna be a good time, it's just that right now is not a good time, and so often if you decide to pop by at someone's house, they aren't busy, and if they are, they could probably use a helping hand, and if they can't, they'll likely let you know.

That "farm" hospitality is what I want. I want to be a person who loves without conditions, who lives without reservations, who dies without regrets.

To my family and friends... I LOVE YOU! I wouldn't trade any of you for the world! For the world is useless without people to fill it.