On days like today, I'd like to hope a bus and head back to edmonton where life seemed so much easier, and I could go on like that, doing school work, working at King's, and hanging out with my friends, It really does seem idealistic right now. But when I sit back and think, I realize, life isn't about taking the easy road. Life is about trials, tribulations, and getting through them. Life is about heartache and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like life's been full of bad news lately. But really that's not really true. There are positive things in my life like my new baby cousin, and I'm moving into a new place, with a new roomate. Sometimes it's really hard to think about the positive things because they seem so few and far between, but I think I need to work on thinking more positively. Or maybe I'm not able to, maybe something's wrong with me... Who knows. I sit in my room thinking about all the people that I miss at King's and how I feel so out of touch, and that I don't know what's going on in their lives, AND you know what I miss the most, The hugs. I've realized being back in Bonnyville that I strive for sunday mornings when I get all my hugs from my ladies cause I just love hugs. They make a person feel awesome. It's something about person to person contact that can just make all the hurt and pain go away for that short time.
I really need to get more involved. I need to do something. I need a project, that involves people, that involves me interacting with people. I need something that will lift me up when life seems heavy, and something that will make me feel like I actually mean something to someone in this town. Like I'm actually making a difference in someone's life. I think that's why life feels so overwhelming these days, cause I feel like all the people I interact with, I'm not helping them, really, yes I'm working for them and lightening their workload, but I'm still not making a major positive influence in their lives. I feel like I'm a tiny little person, with a lot of great ideas, and I'm terrified to share them because I'm a college drop out, a measly secretary, and no one is going to listen to me. But that's not the truth. If only I was willing to stand up and not be so afraid, people would listen to me, and things would get done, but where is my courage?
Why can't I fight for those who can't fight for themselves?? Children, the elderly?? I'm so wrapped up in my own life, wrapped up in the fact that I work two jobs to pay off my school & car loans, and so wrapped up in my own strife and grief, that I forget that there are other people in this world much worse off, and these are the people that I really want to fight for. These are the people that I want my life to focus around. And I just need to get out of my fearful little bubble and do it. I need to talk to someone at Church about starting up our Bonnylodge/extendicare services every 4th sunday, and I need to quit working sundays at Davey's. I need to volunteer doing something with Kids, I need to do something. I need to not be so lazy and get off my ass and do something... Because apparently what I'm doing right now is not making me happy, so why am I continuing in this way of life??
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